Based on a lecture by Sheik Abdulla Adhami, to young Muslim Men about to quit bachelorhood!
Assalamu Alaikum
Wa ba'ad...
By getting married, you are not just getting a wife; you are getting your whole world. From now until the last of your days, your wife will be your partner, your companion and your best friend.
She will share your moments, your days and your years. She will share your joys, your sorrows, your successes and your failures. Your dreams and your tears. When you are ill, she will take the best care of you; when you need help, she shall do all she can for you; when you have a secret, she will help keep it; when you need advice, she shall give the best advice. She will always be with you. Always. When you wake up in the morning, the first thing your eyes shall see will be hers; during the day, she will be with you, if for some time, she is not with you by her physical body, she will be thinking of you, praying for you with all her heart, mind and soul; when you go to sleep at night, the last thing you shall see will be her; and when you are asleep, you will still see her in your dreams. In short, she shall be your whole world and you will be her whole world.
The best description I personally have ever read describing the closeness of the spouses to each other is the Qur'aanic verse which says: "They are your garments and you are their garments". (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187). Indeed, spouses are like garments to each other because they provide one another with the protection, the comfort, the cover, the support, and the adornment that garments provide to humans. Just imagine a journey in the winter of Alaska without garments: Our spouses provide us with the same level of comfort, protection, cover, and support in the journey of our lives on this earth as garments would do on an Alaskan journey.
The relationship between the spouses is the most amazing of all human relations; the amount of love and affection, intimacy, and closeness, mercy and compassion, peace and tranquillity that fills the heart of the spouses is simply mystifying. The only rational explanation for these most incredible of human feelings is that: It is an act of Allaah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala; "And Allaah has made for you Mates (and companions) of your own nature..." (Surah Al-Nahl 16:72)
Only Our Almighty Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala in His Infinite Power, Boundless Mercy, and Great Wisdom can create and ingrain these amazing and Blessed feelings in the hearts of the spouses. In fact, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is reminding those who search for His Signs in the Universe that these feelings in the hearts of the spouses are among the Signs that should guide humans to His Existence as He Says in the Holy Qur'an; "And among His Signs is this, that He Created for you mates, from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He Has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect". (Surah Al-Rum 30:21).
Nevertheless, Allaah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala knows that the human heart is not a static entity, it is sometimes weak and at times dynamic. Feelings can and do change with time. Love may wither and fade away. The marital bond might weaken if not properly cared for. Happiness in marriage cannot be taken for granted; continuous happiness requires constant giving from both sides. For the tree of marital love to remain alive and keep growing, the soil has to be sustained, maintained, watered and nurtured.
Remember the fact that our Beloved Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam had found the time to go out to the desert and race with his wife, Aisha. She outran him but later, after she had some weight, he outran her. Remember that our Beloved Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam also took his wife to watch the young Ethiopians playing and dancing their folk dances. The show of emotions is necessary to keep the marital bond away from rusting and disintegrating. Remember that you will be rewarded by Allaah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala for any positive emotions you show to your wife as the Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam said, "One would be rewarded for anything that he does, seeking the Pleasure Of Allaah even the food he puts in mouth of his wife".
Never underestimate the importance of seemingly little things as putting food in your wife's mouth, opening the car-door for her, etc. Remember that the Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam used to extend his knee to his wife to assist her to mount the camel and ride it.
Try to always to find some time for the both of you to pray together. Strengthening the bond between you and Allaah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala is the best guarantee that your own marital bond would always remain strong. Having peace with Allaah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala will always result in having more peace at home.
Remember that The Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam gave glad tidings for those couples wake up at night to pray together. The Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam even urged the spouse who rises up first to wake up the other, even by splashing cold water on his/her face!
Always try to be good to your wife by words and by deeds. Talk to her, smile to her, seek her advice, ask for her opinion, spend quality time with her and always remember that The Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam said, "The best of you are those who are best to their wives".
Finally it is common that spouses vow to love and honour their spouses until death do them apart. I do believe that this vow is good or even great, but not enough! It is not enough that you love your wife. You should have to love what she loves as well. Her family, her loved ones must also become your loved ones. Don't be like my colleague who was unhappy about his wife's parents coming to visit for a few weeks. He candidly said to her, "I don't like your parents".
Naturally, she angrily looked at him straight in the eye and retorted, "I don't like yours either"! Also it not enough that you love her till death do you apart. Love should never end and we do believe that there is life after death, where their spouses, and offspring will join those who did righteousness in this world. (Surah Al-Zukhruf 43:70)
The best example (as always!) in this regard is Oue Beloved Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam whose love for Khadija RadhiyaAllahu Anha, his wife of 25 years, extended to all those she loved: this love of his continued even after her death. It was many years after her death and he never forgot her and whenever a goat was slaughtered in his house, he would always send portions of it to Khadija's RadhiyaAllahu Anha Family and friends. Whenever he felt that the visitor at the door might be Khadija's RadhiyaAllahu Anha sister, Hala, he would pray, "O Allah! Let it be Hala"!
It is truly inspiring, the way of our beloved Messenger Of Allaah, Sallallahu `Alayhi Wasallam and it should be our inspirational fountain.
11 March 2010 - 3:23pm
May Allah swt reward you in the here after for all your efforts! :)
Sasha
11 March 2010 - 5:31pm Ameen Wa jazakomollah khayr
6 December 2010 - 5:16pm
I wish all Muslim men could read and understand this. Its so nice to see that a Muslim Brother has written this article. Unfortunately my husband is no ta very nice man, nor good husband or father. So knowing that theres at least one good muslim brother out there is really pleasing.
I wish that after Jumma namaz, they would tell men these type of things, so that all our homes and marriages would be happier places. Perhaps then there would be less divorce amongst our people.
All my life I have rarely - if ever- come across anyone in our community stress the importance of how to treat n respect ur wife, etc. The only thing that our community seems to be good at is engraining in our brains that we have to be obedient to our parents and that our mothers come first. Of course that is mainly correct. however surely after marriage a husband has to provide for his own home before lining his mothers pockets. ...n his wife is supposed to be his closest companion.
Be honest, how many mothers have any of you ever come across who teach their sons the importance of loving and treating their wife with respect. In total contrast, so many mothers make a point of causing trouble between their sons and their wife. no wonder our community is in such a mess.
If only we would all read the Quran and Hadith in English/Urdu or whichever language we understand, then perhaps we would all realise what Allah and our Nabi Kareem SAW have told us to do and how to behave and live our lives.
Maybe then we would see that quite often what our parents and community is teaching us is actually wrong - and goes against the teachings of our Prophet Mohammed SAW and our dear Allah SWT.
My plea to all brothers and sisters is to read the Quran and understand it..and then live by it
An unloved Muslim wife
9 December 2010 - 12:37am
w salam sister
I wish they did.
I am sorry to hear what you said.
We do remind our brothers after Jumu'ah the importance of the marital life and how Islam, for example, emphasise on this issue and also how the propher sallahu alaih wa sallam has been the best with his wives.
May Allah give all of us tawfeeq to act according to our beautiful religion and lead good lives by example.
To be good fathers, ideal sons, caring and loving husbands and protecting brothers, ameen.